Am feeling a bit melancholy. Have come through some struggles in the last 6 months that don't belong in public (and partly as it's not centred on me — privacy of others matters, even those who treat me poorly).
The phase of waking people up so they don't do crazy suicidal sh*t is over. Not quite sure where I am heading at the moment, or where to focus my energies. Missing London, but the place makes me nervous at the moment. Missing friends, but also want time on my own. Missing family, but lots of problems there best left unsaid.
Is the hard part over, or just beginning? I don't know. How do I fit in the world when it's woken up? I don't know. What's the right balance between everyday operational stuff vs big picture thinking? I don't know.
It's been a long war, with some way to go.
I don't know that there is a balance right now. Many of us don't know where we fit in, now or later. I know that right now, I'm thinking I'll sit this one out for a while. Far too many I'm not free to converse with because it's just too irritating. What's life going to look like when everyone is awake? It's too scary of a thought and I really can't imagine it so I don't think about it. On one hand I suppose at least there would be something to talk about, but I'm so used to just going inside myself and staying there that I can't imagine a conversation with anyone I know.
This reminds me of a friend of mine who blamed all her marital problems on her alcoholic husband. He quit drinking after 20 years and their problems are worse now than before. Over the years. everything got blamed on the alcohol and now that alcohol isn't a problem, it appears that they've decided to end the marriage. Like she said, ''We thought the hardest part was over. We didn't know it was only the beginning."
