It is a bittersweet day for me with 5Y∆. I have struggled in ways that don't belong in public. Helping others with clarity, encouragement, and amusement has given me diversionary purpose. The underlying wounds and fractures are still there and are not yet healed.
In an odd way the resolution of the Q matter with truth and justice, and even newfound financial freedom, doesn't help and makes it worse. The basic problem of "who am I?" and what I identify with hasn't advanced much. The sense of self built on the mind and body (not spirit) brings a tricky legacy.
"A policeman's lot is not a happy one" goes the old song, and maybe it's true of all protector activities including being a (digital) warrior. There's an innate sadness in being called upon to sacrifice and suffer because fools, cowards, and sociopaths only care about themselves. Why me, why now, why here? I just wanted to be left alone.
Still seeking inner peace... have my internal calms and storms going on.
I have resolved to look at the storms around me as God cutting, sanding off areas not profitable for the inner me & polishing others that are closer to His true design for a woman. Early on you discover God does not us Anesthesia. The pain has purpose. And I have found myself actually longing for the sensation of death of an ideal, untrue friendships, withered relationships etc.
Setting ones eyes & heart on the prize is half the battle won.
