Took me 3 attempts and a lot of bs to fig out that was not a good choice for me. I understand how you feel. It is a dark place and feels alone, helpless even. Had several doctors look at my records afterward and ask me how tf i am still here. Cussed my mom, wife, you name it. It is hard and feels pointless at times.
Good thing you're here fren. I did not have this kind of support back in the day. Hold on another day. then another. one day at a time and we all get through this. You are not here by accident. Take a breather, have a smoke. It is always darkest before dawn.
DM open if need to talk