I have a kind of "information war injury", which seems a bit pathetic, but affects me a lot. When I sit down to do any kind of focus task, like reading a long article, or sorting out photos, or reviewing a paper, I might get a few seconds or paragraphs in, then I just freeze up. There's no more focus to give, and my mind doesn't want to take more in. There isn't reconciliation of all the stuff already inside, and more just provokes anxiety and rejection. Even conversations with people leave me exhausted, so I mostly avoid them. Then I get anxious about not really doing much "real" work, and being endlessly in a precarious place, which makes it worse. But I am genuinely finding it hard to work. Burnout from overdoing it for so many years has just left me empty. I might manage an hour or two, then need to lie down for a nap. You can only do 12-14 hours a day at screens for so long, until it does you actual damage. But it's all invisible and psychological, so doesn't seem so real.
Martin, Do you think we've been successfully MKUltra'd? I don't know how to classify it or what to name it, but you've just perfectly described my mindset as well. Mine is not as intense as your's (from other descriptions of your life experiences), but I seem to be incapable of accomplishing menial tasks for myself, but can do phenominal jobs for others! For minimal pay! Is this the "slave mentality" we've been honed to accept? I'm becoming less and less enamoured with trying to please others doing menial tasks while ignoring the talents and gifts I've been given.
Breaking out of this mold is the challenge. Being emboldened to claim our true sense of self by exercising our talents to fruition is the aim. "Doing" it is the achievement! "JUST DO IT" seems so trite and simple.
So, I'll put a little more effort toward THAT step today. Maybe progress will occur. We desperately need to move forward, don't we? I'll pull for you today, Martin! Go ahead to that next step! WE CAN DO IT!
