Nobody knows that CAUSE but you Joey, so anyone's input here will not clear it up. And barely anybody will speak the hardcore truth about it. Without making assumptions, the "suicide curse" has a CAUSE that only a Multi-dimensional Shaman-Spirit type can help you with. Don't give up. There are ways to clear up anything from the past. No amount of sympathy or even empathy will do it. I will not sell you false hope. Peace bro