Part of me feels normal and fully functional. Another part is unwell and traumatised from (attempted) mass murder via psychological warfare and seeing so many friends and family succumb.

Any kind of interaction with authorities that took part is laden with dread. Silly simple admin stuff has me completely frozen. I stuck myself out there on behalf of this plan to save humanity, no regrets, can still see it unfolding. The silent and invisible weapons deny you the obvious bleeding wounds, so there is a secondary effect of belittling the actuality of getting injured.

Some of the usual supports one might turn to (priests, therapists, coaches) will harm you by being brainwashed themselves. Self-medication of the soul pain (alcohol, drugs, pharma) never goes well, makes it worse even, and that’s experience talking.

Relief that lasts is through having witnesses to the suffering (like AU and close frens) who themselves connect to the divine. Although maybe a pet helps… not tried it!

At times I go into what I call “vaporlock”; I can’t move forward. Then God puts this verse in my head. So thankful for you, Martin!

Vaporlock, That description is most excellent.

I actually got it from a family member. It truly is the perfect word for that feeling!

It made me think of a word my family made up to describe my sudden stopping while traversing a very steep hill and looking back. Lockbody. Fully adult and my dad had to help me down.