If any part of your life is shameful and secret, then you cannot be whole. This is the price of sin: our fracturing from a man into personas. My growth challenge is swapping regret for repentance. The smallest step down the path of accountability relieves you of guilt, although you have to keep going.

You can probably imagine the challenges of the urban gay scene as a place with endless opportunities for bad company and misadventure. I was just striking out in a saner direction when Covid hit and all benevolent venues shut. We all poison ourselves in some way, even if just sugar. Lockdowns were a gift to sickness.

It took one person, a dear friend and confidante, to show me true love… for me to be receptive to taking a higher path. Until you experience the higher vibe, you go round and round the same hunt for fake peace or temporary oblivion. I can’t judge the jabbed for foolish choices, having my own. I can only help to light the route away from self-destruction.

march 7 2020, ~1 week before all the covid shit hit, i sat in my car at a red light, staring at a concrete wall ahead of me. figured when that light turned green i could probably hit 40-45 before i made contact - and obviously i’d be smart about it - no seatbelt, maybe lean my chin into the steering wheel a little.
light turned green and i just sat there. broke down in tears and made a phone call for someone to come pick me up.

a series of really bad decisions, wholly my own, led me there, and im glad i went through that.

only now as i look back do i realize what i was fighting was so much bigger than myself. i don’t think there’s any coincidence in the timing - i knew a lot before 2020, and much of why i felt how i did was for lack of hope for anything positive - how could there be? Q came to me about 3 weeks later - i can still remember spending the next two nights without sleeping, reading through drops.

i drive through that traffic light every day.
fuck that wall.