Any kind of interaction with any authority that has maimed or stolen is feeling very heavy and draining. The old system keeps making its bureaucratic demands, but I find myself having a trauma freeze response to trivial things. It’s getting like shellshock but without any shrapnel.
I am supposed to write and make beauty in order to justify getting paid by those who subscribed, but I am not in that place right now. Over and over I fall, for years, and each time there is a fight inside to stand up again. Maybe that’s all I can document, so it isn’t hidden away.
Part of me says my problems are all of my own making. Another part excuses my failings because of the persecutory context, and my weariness of carrying a very public and personal burden of dissent. The spiritual war is to keep the desire to live to see another day stronger than the one to self-destruct.
Last week was really bad. I guess all that matters is avoiding more damage so I can fight on another day.
Fight on friend -- I am bolstered today- I have 4 CLOSE friends fm h.s. who drove over 15 hours straight to be with me in my personal health fight, implicated in the bigger spiritual fight. Today I also found the resolve to contact my once BFF -45+ yrs like a sister who told me we should go separate ways 3 yrs ago when my red pilling got to be too much. My heart broken. , I called her home & left a message - she returned w/ a text message & I actually got the courage to call her - shaking, crying, fearful that she would not hear my plea to "make things right. I apologized if I had been too proselytzing, asked forgiveness and if she still chose not to be friends I'd have to accept it. But I had to get closure - a 2 hour call - she accepted , was sad to hear that illness has progressed but also accepted my invitation to come to our new home - maybe June and resume our friendship.
TAKE HEART - I AM BLESSED BEYOND. WE SUPPORT YOU MARTIN- NEVER EVER EVER GIVE UP... I'm havent yet.
