You need God brother. You seem to put yourself out there waiting to get knocked around and you are getting exactly that. You need to embrace that and move past it. Dont let the outcomes control you. Let go and let God take the wheel for a while. Just pray, relax, and dont beat up on yourself. Think of your dream life and focus on how good that will make you feel and let that simmer. You got this. It CAN be done. Do not focus on what is focus on what you want it to be and the universe will do the work. Sit back and enjoy. Do little things that make you feel better. Meditate, listen to music, take a walk, enjoy nature. Give yourself a break.