It would be nice to “restock” my inventory of understanding by spending time reading books and watching videos. I find it close to physically impossible right now. I am so burnt out from years of information processing overload and general war stress that such sustained focus for study is beyond me.
I find that I freeze up when I try to engage with ordinary tasks like sorting protest photos, like a horse that refuses to jump a high fence. Just want to stare out of the window and watch the clouds go by. Doing anything resembling a structured “job” is unthinkable. The wait for justice is weighty indeed.
The “fix” seems to be staying away from every negative influence and source of low vibes. No toxic people, no hard-edged cities, no dark media. Withdraw from the insanity, and stay in proximity to others who continue to work on themselves and seek solace in beauty.
Like single-handedly dragging a wagon full of stones up a small incline, barely enough to strain but just so. And it is going to take literal years to get to the top, but at the top is victory. But even as we sleep the wagon still wants to plummet away from us back down so we have to even sleep with one foot chocking a tire on the loaded wagon maintaining our hard-earned progress.
Sometimes just waking up after consecutive years of this makes one look at one's self in the mirror baggy-eyed haggard and spent and just become almost unbearably tired of even thinking about it! BUT STOP! Don't you dare get that tired and take your foot from stopping that wagon as you lay there on your back too winded to stand at the moment...you're past the point of no return here. You'll catch your breath again, we both know you will.
Sigh..so on we fucking go!
"I will kneel to no earthly master nor bend to any threat!"
